Love...or whatever you want to call it

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. I am sure it has a lot to do with most of my close friends and family getting engaged and married recently. I have never had much luck in love. I think the biggest problem is my choice in men (and I use the term men loosely for some of them). I will be the first to admit that I do not always (maybe ever is a better word) pick the best guys to date. I can't say they all are the same type either...other than being wrong for me. Sometimes I feel like I am such a smart person but so stupid when it comes to love. And now that I'm in my late 20's, I can't say that I haven't begun to wonder if there really is anybody out there that's worth it for me.

I'm not saying I want to get married right now or that I think I'm running out of time or anything. I guess I'm just not confident in myself that I will actually allow myself to find someone worthwhile. I would rather try to fit all the people who really aren't right for me into that place instead of being strong enough to walk away. I have learned that I tend to stick with people until they leave me even when the flashing red lights are going off telling me that he is not the right one. I have a history of staying in touch with most of my ex-boyfriends...and falling back on them when I need some attention. It's like I know exactly what my problems are but I won't do anything to fix them. Didn't someone say that being insane is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time?? Well, it's official...I am INSANE!!

I don't understand how it is possible to love someone when they obviously don't love you. I know it happens all the time...just look at the divorce rate these days. It just makes me angry to realize that love is not enough. It doesn't matter how much you put yourself out there, how open you are, how honest you are, how much you care. People will just take what they can get from you, offer nothing in return, walk away and leave you feeling lonely, heart broken and confused. I quite frankly am tired of it. I am tired of putting it all out there and getting nothing in return. Again, I realize this is my fault because I somehow choose these people to fall in love with. I just wish it wasn't so hard to find a good guy out there.

I know everyone is going to say "you're still young" "when the time is right" "there are good ones out there" "just be patient", etc. I have heard (and even said) all of this before and I didn't say I was giving up on the possibility. I am just venting my frustrations which I know some of you share. I'm hoping I will reread this post and finally have the guts to leave my past in the past and move forward. I hope I will gain the strength to walk away from the wrong people. I hope that I will realize I deserve so much more than what I accept from people. And most importantly, I hope that I will keep myself open to the possibility that there is someone out there who is right for me, who will make me read this again and laugh, who will make all the hurt and disappointment disappear and who will love me the same way that I love them. He is out there, right??