Catching up

Well, if you couldn’t tell, the ex and I had a bit of a falling out. Actually, it was more of a he stopped talking to me thing than a falling out but the results were the same. One week he wants to be with me and the next he doesn’t so I have stopped trying to figure him out and am closing the door once and for all. I know he is never going to completely shut it so I have to be the one who quits letting him back in over and over again. So I decided to turn all of the negative energy into positive energy and focus on myself for a change.

I setup an appointment with the nutritionist here at work and worked out a plan with her for the next few months to lose the rest of this weight. I am 18 lbs lighter these days so I’m getting there slowly but surely. I want to make this a life change not just a right now change so that’s why I enlisted her help. She also set me up with another lady at work who is like a social worker/life coach. I went to see her on Monday and although I was a little hesitant at first, I really started to open up to her and talk about my issues. I know this probably sounds like I’m getting on the crazy train but I couldn’t see where this would hurt and was hoping that it might help me stop making the same mistakes. Drinking was of course brought up so I’m interested to see where that conversation goes over the course of talking to her.

Otherwise, things have just been a little crazy around here. The weekend of Feb 7th we went out for Carlos’s birthday. I think everyone had a good time but me and of course that was because the ex was there. I know, another reason I need to move on…I’m the only one not having fun. The following weekend we went out on Friday night for Stephanie’s bachelorette party. I think everyone had a great time that night. I certainly did and was glad we left “early” because we were already dancing on the speakers like crazy women. Saturday I hung out with my buddy, Erick, and went down to the Garlic Festival in Delray Beach. It was a very interesting day and we had everything from garlic dip to garlic shrimp to garlic ice cream. It was a good thing neither of us had Valentine’s dates!! It was his brother’s birthday that night so we went and met him and a bunch of people downtown. That was another fun and crazy night and I felt like the old me for the first time in awhile.

Last weekend, the girls headed to NC for Nikki’s 30th birthday and her wedding shower. We met a cool guy on the plane who lives in Ft. Lauderdale. He is a restaurant developer and seemed very down to earth and fun. We got his card so hopefully we can hang out with him again sometime soon. Friday night we went straight to Tony’s to celebrate Nikki’s birthday. It was a mini-reunion in there with all the guys I used to hang with who work there…plus, we got a very nice hook up! I think Nikki had a great time and we gave all the cougars some free dancing lessons. Saturday we had her shower at her sister’s and then Saturday night we went downtown in Raleigh. She was in rare form as was most of everyone else. I was on my best behavior both nights so nothing crazy to report from me!

Now, I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. It’s Thursday and I’m still exhausted! I am anxiously looking forward to a weekend full of nothing. Though I do have a work happy hour tomorrow, followed by softball so I’m not sure if that counts as nothing or not?!

I thought...

I thought I was different
I thought we were friends
I thought I meant more than all the other girls
I thought we had a future
I thought you would change
I thought you would realize I was good for you
I thought you would let me in
I thought I could tell you anything
I thought you were a good person – deep down inside
I thought we could be great together
I thought we had a lot of the same goals
I thought we had a rare connection
I thought if I waited long enough, it would all work out
I thought I could trust you one day
I thought you would finally grow up
I thought we could have a lot of fun
I thought you would be a good dad
I thought you respected me
I thought we would get it right some day
I thought you would try harder
I thought I would be stronger
I thought I had found someone worth fighting for
I thought we could have the fairytale
I thought you had a heart
I thought you would stop lying
I thought you would stop looking
I thought I could make you happy
I thought we were meant to be
I thought I meant something to you
I thought you would stop making excuses
I thought you were someone different
I thought I loved you

I thought…wrong

Allergic to the world

I have struggled with sinus problems since (according to my mom) I was 5 years old. I think I have just become accustom to the headaches, nasal drainage, cough and not being able to breathe out of the right side of my nose. It’s just a part of daily life for me. However, one of my friends went to see an ENT and highly recommended him so I decided to go check it out. I really liked the doctor other than when we stuck that thing up my right nostril to take a look at my brain. It hurt like hell and his response was “it’s definitely tight and crooked”…medical degree or not, I could have told him that without all the pain but anyway. He suggested I get allergy tested again and have CT scan so we could get to the root of the problem.

I had the allergy test last Friday and let’s just say, I’m allergic to everything. They do the test on your arms now instead of your back so you can actually see the reaction. All the grasses, trees, and ragweed were on the right side and dust mites were on the left. That meant no arm was better than the other for this fun test. For those who have never had this done, the test consists of 70+ of the most common allergies from inside and outside…grass to pets to shellfish. They prick your skin with the allergen and then you have to sit still for 15 minutes while you welt up (if you are lucky like me and allergic to most of them). I am pretty sure if anyone ever wanted to torture me, this would be one of the top things on their list to do. My arms swelled and turned bright red and I wasn’t allowed to touch them.

All of my reactions were “severe” other than the one to pecans (good to know I have this allergy since I just ate some the weekend before) and the doctor basically said I’m allergic to pretty much everything inside and outside. (Luckily, that did not include dogs or shellfish…neither of which I could live without)!! I had to be given a shot and was sent home with benadryl and told not to return to work. The next step is to be proactive and treat my environment. The most important place is my bedroom where I was told to get pillow and mattress covers, an air purifier and lose the carpet if possible. They are giving me a few weeks to try this out and if things haven’t improved then the next step is allergy shots.

I am most interested in the CT scan and seeing what the results of that tell. I don’t know if they will suggest surgery or some other treatment for my sinuses. I have heard both good and bad things about the surgeries and treatments. They either don’t work at all or change a person’s life. I can’t even imagine a life without sinus problems so it will be interesting to see what happens. I hope they can figure out something that works and I can stop suffering so much. I joke about having my sinuses removed but I’m really not opposed to that (yes, I know that’s not an option)!! Guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Where are the vampires??

As some of you know, I am currently reading the Twilight books and I absolutely love them. I am on the last book in the series and am really bummed out that the story is about to end. I was just informed by Amy today that there is another book that the author started from Edward’s point of you on her website so I’m excited to at least have that to look forward to when I’m done. It’s amazing to me how some books just seem to reel you in and you can’t get enough of them. I love to write and have always wanted to write a book so I always try to pay special attention to what authors do to hook you. Anyway, that is a whole other tangent for me to go on one day. I am just stuck in vampire world right now and wondering if there is a vampire out there for me?!
It’s crazy to think that I am starting to believe that true love still exists based solely on a fictional story about a girl and a vampire. I really am going nuts! Especially considering I would give anything to be Bella and that in love with someone...even if he is a bloodsucking vampire. I obviously don’t know how the story ends and where everyone ends up but I hope it’s not a disappointment. I need to believe that true love prevails no matter the circumstances and that if they can make this work, I should certainly be able to make something work with another human being.

I probably sound desperate and stupid but I am just lost in this love story. I can’t wait to get home and see what happens…I have a feeling it is going to be a long night of reading! I am at least grateful to have something to take my mind off of the everyday dilemmas in the real world. My love life…or lack there of…is taking a toll on me right now. My heart and head are quite conflicted at the moment but more than anything I’m just hurt by people’s actions. I sometimes feel like even the people who know me best don’t realize what I’m going through, care that I’m hurting or remember what it feels like to be on this side. I know I fall in love with the wrong people but that doesn’t make the pain any less harsh…in fact I think it makes it worse to realize you fell in love with someone that was so completely wrong for you.

Where are you my Edward Cullen?

Signed-
Hopeless

I Survived!

Well, I had the 5k last Saturday and I managed to survive. We got a cold front late Friday night so it was about 45 degrees that morning with wind of 15mph on the water. I managed to overcome 3 of my least favorite things...waking up early, the cold and running...all in one outing! I was very nervous considering I was so sore early in the week and my calves were killing me when I tried to run on the Thurs before. But, everything went pretty smoothly...I only walked twice and not for long. I finished in 35 mins and 30 secs but realized yesterday that I started pretty far back in the pack so my time was probably a min or so less than that.

Obviously, my pace was not fast but I finished and it felt so good when I crossed the finish line. I will say I thought I was going to throw up for the last 2 mins of it but I didn't. It was a nice feeling to have actually put my mind to something and accomplish it...especially something that was not easy for me. Although I have been going to the gym, I am no where close to being a runner and it took a lot out of me. I even turned around and did the walk right after with my old coworkers from Deloitte. Needless to say, my legs felt like jell-o by noon time!

Of course, I met up with Dana and Carlos for mimosas at Bradley's afterwards. Hey, I deserved a little prize for myself! I had even played softball the night before and got 2 hits and made 2 good plays and did not drink any beer with my team in the parking lot afterwards. :) Saturday night, Dana and I had a dinner party for our friend Stephanie who is getting married in Feb. It was a nice low-key night with the girls. Sunday we went to watch the championship soccer game...Carlos's team did not win but it was a good game. I came back and baked for 3 hours for the Super Bowl party. I decided to actually make desserts instead of buying them and was surprised to find I have more of my mom and grandmother in me than I thought. I also made a taco dip and let's just say that I didn't return home with a thing! Dana said she was even thinking about the cake I made at work yesterday...lol! We watched the Super Bowl over at Dana's brother-in-law's. There was a ton of food and it was a good time.

Otherwise, that's about all to report. I was glad to get back in the gym yesterday and not have to run 3.1 miles. Though I have decided that I need to incorporate running into my workouts since it is so hard on me and hopefully I can improve for next year. I can't believe I'm even thinking about running again next year! No pain, no gain...right?