Don’t call it a comeback…for real

I wrote this last week but never published it...guess I need to get on track here :)

The girls and I headed down to South Beach on Saturday (3/7) to spend the day and then go to the Britney Spears concert in Miami. Yes, I realize we may be a bit old for Britney but I like the girl and am pulling for her to make a comeback and get her life together. Dana is certainly the biggest Britney fan so she took care of finding us tickets. If nothing else, I think we all believed it would be a really good show. Traffic from S. Beach to the arena in Miami was insane. We missed half of the Pussycat Dolls because of the traffic. Our first round of drinks (for 4 girls) was $85! That was sign #2 after the bad traffic. Sign #3 for me was when I left to get food and some drunk man dropped his entire glass of red wine on me. His reaction as he kept walking was a small and unconvincing “sorry”. It was probably best that I had nothing in my hands except my purse or whatever it was would have gone hurling towards his head! Thank goodness I had on dark jeans and it mainly just soaked the bottom of my jeans and my feet. It was laid out in the cards by this point that I was just not going to have a good night.

Britney was awful! She had no energy, barely moved when she was supposed to be dancing, and just looked exhausted from the very start of the show. I had heard that she would lip sync a lot and that was fine with me if she would have actually been out there dancing and putting forth an effort. Instead she just walked around the stage while her music played and fidgeted with her unused mic. Her dancers were great and outperformed her in every way. The highlight of the show for me was during a break when her dancers were going off performing and Britney was nowhere in sight. The show was a great idea…being like a circus ring with magic tricks and all the craziness that a circus brings…her execution was just way below average. Dana still really enjoyed the show and was a bit disappointed that we weren’t as into it as her but I think we all just expected more. I think we all agreed that it is highly unlikely that she will finish the tour (this was just her 2nd show!).

Afterwards, we went back to the hotel, changed and headed to the after party at Mansion. The place was packed and although we got in pretty quickly through VIP, we still had to pay $20/person. It took forever and a day to get a drink and we got separated from each other within about 30 mins. I felt completely out of my element…too many young, hot, drunk, annoying, pretty, skanky, crazy people packed into one place for me. Sometimes I think S. Beach and all it’s pretentiousness is just not for me…Sat was definitely one of those nights! Sunday saved the trip once we finally made it to the pool and were able to chillax, drink cold fruity drinks and have some good old-fashioned girl time. Then Duke lost and we had to go home so it was back to reality…boo!

Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be making a trip to S. Beach again anytime soon…unless it is just to hang at the beach or something like that. When it all boils down, I am just not the S. Beach kinda girl…and that’s perfectly ok with me!

Catching up

Well, if you couldn’t tell, the ex and I had a bit of a falling out. Actually, it was more of a he stopped talking to me thing than a falling out but the results were the same. One week he wants to be with me and the next he doesn’t so I have stopped trying to figure him out and am closing the door once and for all. I know he is never going to completely shut it so I have to be the one who quits letting him back in over and over again. So I decided to turn all of the negative energy into positive energy and focus on myself for a change.

I setup an appointment with the nutritionist here at work and worked out a plan with her for the next few months to lose the rest of this weight. I am 18 lbs lighter these days so I’m getting there slowly but surely. I want to make this a life change not just a right now change so that’s why I enlisted her help. She also set me up with another lady at work who is like a social worker/life coach. I went to see her on Monday and although I was a little hesitant at first, I really started to open up to her and talk about my issues. I know this probably sounds like I’m getting on the crazy train but I couldn’t see where this would hurt and was hoping that it might help me stop making the same mistakes. Drinking was of course brought up so I’m interested to see where that conversation goes over the course of talking to her.

Otherwise, things have just been a little crazy around here. The weekend of Feb 7th we went out for Carlos’s birthday. I think everyone had a good time but me and of course that was because the ex was there. I know, another reason I need to move on…I’m the only one not having fun. The following weekend we went out on Friday night for Stephanie’s bachelorette party. I think everyone had a great time that night. I certainly did and was glad we left “early” because we were already dancing on the speakers like crazy women. Saturday I hung out with my buddy, Erick, and went down to the Garlic Festival in Delray Beach. It was a very interesting day and we had everything from garlic dip to garlic shrimp to garlic ice cream. It was a good thing neither of us had Valentine’s dates!! It was his brother’s birthday that night so we went and met him and a bunch of people downtown. That was another fun and crazy night and I felt like the old me for the first time in awhile.

Last weekend, the girls headed to NC for Nikki’s 30th birthday and her wedding shower. We met a cool guy on the plane who lives in Ft. Lauderdale. He is a restaurant developer and seemed very down to earth and fun. We got his card so hopefully we can hang out with him again sometime soon. Friday night we went straight to Tony’s to celebrate Nikki’s birthday. It was a mini-reunion in there with all the guys I used to hang with who work there…plus, we got a very nice hook up! I think Nikki had a great time and we gave all the cougars some free dancing lessons. Saturday we had her shower at her sister’s and then Saturday night we went downtown in Raleigh. She was in rare form as was most of everyone else. I was on my best behavior both nights so nothing crazy to report from me!

Now, I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. It’s Thursday and I’m still exhausted! I am anxiously looking forward to a weekend full of nothing. Though I do have a work happy hour tomorrow, followed by softball so I’m not sure if that counts as nothing or not?!

I thought...

I thought I was different
I thought we were friends
I thought I meant more than all the other girls
I thought we had a future
I thought you would change
I thought you would realize I was good for you
I thought you would let me in
I thought I could tell you anything
I thought you were a good person – deep down inside
I thought we could be great together
I thought we had a lot of the same goals
I thought we had a rare connection
I thought if I waited long enough, it would all work out
I thought I could trust you one day
I thought you would finally grow up
I thought we could have a lot of fun
I thought you would be a good dad
I thought you respected me
I thought we would get it right some day
I thought you would try harder
I thought I would be stronger
I thought I had found someone worth fighting for
I thought we could have the fairytale
I thought you had a heart
I thought you would stop lying
I thought you would stop looking
I thought I could make you happy
I thought we were meant to be
I thought I meant something to you
I thought you would stop making excuses
I thought you were someone different
I thought I loved you

I thought…wrong

Allergic to the world

I have struggled with sinus problems since (according to my mom) I was 5 years old. I think I have just become accustom to the headaches, nasal drainage, cough and not being able to breathe out of the right side of my nose. It’s just a part of daily life for me. However, one of my friends went to see an ENT and highly recommended him so I decided to go check it out. I really liked the doctor other than when we stuck that thing up my right nostril to take a look at my brain. It hurt like hell and his response was “it’s definitely tight and crooked”…medical degree or not, I could have told him that without all the pain but anyway. He suggested I get allergy tested again and have CT scan so we could get to the root of the problem.

I had the allergy test last Friday and let’s just say, I’m allergic to everything. They do the test on your arms now instead of your back so you can actually see the reaction. All the grasses, trees, and ragweed were on the right side and dust mites were on the left. That meant no arm was better than the other for this fun test. For those who have never had this done, the test consists of 70+ of the most common allergies from inside and outside…grass to pets to shellfish. They prick your skin with the allergen and then you have to sit still for 15 minutes while you welt up (if you are lucky like me and allergic to most of them). I am pretty sure if anyone ever wanted to torture me, this would be one of the top things on their list to do. My arms swelled and turned bright red and I wasn’t allowed to touch them.

All of my reactions were “severe” other than the one to pecans (good to know I have this allergy since I just ate some the weekend before) and the doctor basically said I’m allergic to pretty much everything inside and outside. (Luckily, that did not include dogs or shellfish…neither of which I could live without)!! I had to be given a shot and was sent home with benadryl and told not to return to work. The next step is to be proactive and treat my environment. The most important place is my bedroom where I was told to get pillow and mattress covers, an air purifier and lose the carpet if possible. They are giving me a few weeks to try this out and if things haven’t improved then the next step is allergy shots.

I am most interested in the CT scan and seeing what the results of that tell. I don’t know if they will suggest surgery or some other treatment for my sinuses. I have heard both good and bad things about the surgeries and treatments. They either don’t work at all or change a person’s life. I can’t even imagine a life without sinus problems so it will be interesting to see what happens. I hope they can figure out something that works and I can stop suffering so much. I joke about having my sinuses removed but I’m really not opposed to that (yes, I know that’s not an option)!! Guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. Wish me luck!

Where are the vampires??

As some of you know, I am currently reading the Twilight books and I absolutely love them. I am on the last book in the series and am really bummed out that the story is about to end. I was just informed by Amy today that there is another book that the author started from Edward’s point of you on her website so I’m excited to at least have that to look forward to when I’m done. It’s amazing to me how some books just seem to reel you in and you can’t get enough of them. I love to write and have always wanted to write a book so I always try to pay special attention to what authors do to hook you. Anyway, that is a whole other tangent for me to go on one day. I am just stuck in vampire world right now and wondering if there is a vampire out there for me?!
It’s crazy to think that I am starting to believe that true love still exists based solely on a fictional story about a girl and a vampire. I really am going nuts! Especially considering I would give anything to be Bella and that in love with someone...even if he is a bloodsucking vampire. I obviously don’t know how the story ends and where everyone ends up but I hope it’s not a disappointment. I need to believe that true love prevails no matter the circumstances and that if they can make this work, I should certainly be able to make something work with another human being.

I probably sound desperate and stupid but I am just lost in this love story. I can’t wait to get home and see what happens…I have a feeling it is going to be a long night of reading! I am at least grateful to have something to take my mind off of the everyday dilemmas in the real world. My love life…or lack there of…is taking a toll on me right now. My heart and head are quite conflicted at the moment but more than anything I’m just hurt by people’s actions. I sometimes feel like even the people who know me best don’t realize what I’m going through, care that I’m hurting or remember what it feels like to be on this side. I know I fall in love with the wrong people but that doesn’t make the pain any less harsh…in fact I think it makes it worse to realize you fell in love with someone that was so completely wrong for you.

Where are you my Edward Cullen?

Signed-
Hopeless

I Survived!

Well, I had the 5k last Saturday and I managed to survive. We got a cold front late Friday night so it was about 45 degrees that morning with wind of 15mph on the water. I managed to overcome 3 of my least favorite things...waking up early, the cold and running...all in one outing! I was very nervous considering I was so sore early in the week and my calves were killing me when I tried to run on the Thurs before. But, everything went pretty smoothly...I only walked twice and not for long. I finished in 35 mins and 30 secs but realized yesterday that I started pretty far back in the pack so my time was probably a min or so less than that.

Obviously, my pace was not fast but I finished and it felt so good when I crossed the finish line. I will say I thought I was going to throw up for the last 2 mins of it but I didn't. It was a nice feeling to have actually put my mind to something and accomplish it...especially something that was not easy for me. Although I have been going to the gym, I am no where close to being a runner and it took a lot out of me. I even turned around and did the walk right after with my old coworkers from Deloitte. Needless to say, my legs felt like jell-o by noon time!

Of course, I met up with Dana and Carlos for mimosas at Bradley's afterwards. Hey, I deserved a little prize for myself! I had even played softball the night before and got 2 hits and made 2 good plays and did not drink any beer with my team in the parking lot afterwards. :) Saturday night, Dana and I had a dinner party for our friend Stephanie who is getting married in Feb. It was a nice low-key night with the girls. Sunday we went to watch the championship soccer game...Carlos's team did not win but it was a good game. I came back and baked for 3 hours for the Super Bowl party. I decided to actually make desserts instead of buying them and was surprised to find I have more of my mom and grandmother in me than I thought. I also made a taco dip and let's just say that I didn't return home with a thing! Dana said she was even thinking about the cake I made at work yesterday...lol! We watched the Super Bowl over at Dana's brother-in-law's. There was a ton of food and it was a good time.

Otherwise, that's about all to report. I was glad to get back in the gym yesterday and not have to run 3.1 miles. Though I have decided that I need to incorporate running into my workouts since it is so hard on me and hopefully I can improve for next year. I can't believe I'm even thinking about running again next year! No pain, no gain...right?

Why I hate the tarholes!

Let me first clarify that not everyone who went to UNC or is a UNC fan is a tarhole. Tarholes are a "special" kind of UNC fan that reaffirm my hate for anything Carolina whenever they open their mouths. I dislike Carolina for the obvoius reasons...I am a diehard Duke fan and to be diehard you have to hate all things Carolina. But I am also an avid sports fan and absolutely love college basketball. I can admit when my team didn't deserve to win, I don't jump ship when they are having an off year (or two or three), I can congratulate even my worst enemies after a big game and I watch with unwavering faith whether my team has a chance to get to the Final Four or they are just hoping not to be a "one and done" in the tourney. I remember the days of Christian Laettner, Bobby Hurley, Grant Hill, Jason Williams, Shane Battier, DeMarcus Nelson, JJ Redick...and could go on for days. I remember the heart break in 1999 and 2002, disappointment in 2005, and agony in 2007...not to mention 1995 and 1996 when not throwing my tv out the window every game was a challenge.

The point I'm trying to make is that I have never been one to jump on the Duke bandwagon when times are good or off when times are bad. With tarholes, that is a whole different story. Tarholes don't know the history of Carolina basketball. They hardly watch games until it becomes tournament time or they hear Carolina might be good this year. They are all mouth when UNC is good and disappear into the night when UNC is bad. They can't congratulate their opponents on a good win but are first to point out when you lose...even if it's a loss by another team who already beat UNC. They act like they are diehard Carolina fans when in actuality they are just bandwagon fans. I once stopped a tarhole mid-rant when he was giving my hell about Duke not being so good the past couple years (this was probably in 2006). I asked him what about Carolina in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004...they didn't even make the tournament in 2002 and 2003! He quickly retreated and said I knew entirely too much about basketball for him to even talk.

I don't mind the rivalry at all. In fact, I enjoy it...that is what basketball is all about! The fact that I grew up in a state with some of basketballs most elite teams is awesome. I like smack talking back and forth but if you want to claim you are a true Tarheel fan, then know the facts, watch the games and learn the history. Take a loss with dignity and know when to admit you just got beat. Don't revel in other teams' victories when you haven't even proved yourself. Don't call Duke overrated when you have been the bigger disappointment of the season. Learn the sport and pull for the Tarholes even when they only have a shot of making the NIT. Then and only then can you truly call yourself a Carolina fan and have a leg to stand on when you're trying to trash talk!

I have several friends and family members that are true Carolina fans and they can taunt me all day long. They know when to talk and when to shut up...and when they've just been out played. We can discuss Duke/Carolina all day long because they know the game as well as I do. I don't mind telling them when Carolina is looking good and Duke is looking terrible. It is certainly not them that I dislike or them that make me hate UNC. It is only my love for Duke and the tarhole idiots that make me loathe all things Carolina. Here's hoping for some Ram stew on Feb. 11th!! Until then, GO DUKE!!!!!

Love...or whatever you want to call it

I have been thinking a lot about love lately. I am sure it has a lot to do with most of my close friends and family getting engaged and married recently. I have never had much luck in love. I think the biggest problem is my choice in men (and I use the term men loosely for some of them). I will be the first to admit that I do not always (maybe ever is a better word) pick the best guys to date. I can't say they all are the same type either...other than being wrong for me. Sometimes I feel like I am such a smart person but so stupid when it comes to love. And now that I'm in my late 20's, I can't say that I haven't begun to wonder if there really is anybody out there that's worth it for me.

I'm not saying I want to get married right now or that I think I'm running out of time or anything. I guess I'm just not confident in myself that I will actually allow myself to find someone worthwhile. I would rather try to fit all the people who really aren't right for me into that place instead of being strong enough to walk away. I have learned that I tend to stick with people until they leave me even when the flashing red lights are going off telling me that he is not the right one. I have a history of staying in touch with most of my ex-boyfriends...and falling back on them when I need some attention. It's like I know exactly what my problems are but I won't do anything to fix them. Didn't someone say that being insane is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time?? Well, it's official...I am INSANE!!

I don't understand how it is possible to love someone when they obviously don't love you. I know it happens all the time...just look at the divorce rate these days. It just makes me angry to realize that love is not enough. It doesn't matter how much you put yourself out there, how open you are, how honest you are, how much you care. People will just take what they can get from you, offer nothing in return, walk away and leave you feeling lonely, heart broken and confused. I quite frankly am tired of it. I am tired of putting it all out there and getting nothing in return. Again, I realize this is my fault because I somehow choose these people to fall in love with. I just wish it wasn't so hard to find a good guy out there.

I know everyone is going to say "you're still young" "when the time is right" "there are good ones out there" "just be patient", etc. I have heard (and even said) all of this before and I didn't say I was giving up on the possibility. I am just venting my frustrations which I know some of you share. I'm hoping I will reread this post and finally have the guts to leave my past in the past and move forward. I hope I will gain the strength to walk away from the wrong people. I hope that I will realize I deserve so much more than what I accept from people. And most importantly, I hope that I will keep myself open to the possibility that there is someone out there who is right for me, who will make me read this again and laugh, who will make all the hurt and disappointment disappear and who will love me the same way that I love them. He is out there, right??

Run What??

Some of you know that I am running a 5k on January 31st for the Race for the Cure. I got interested in the 5k because one of my friends in NC, Holly, decided to do one back in Dec. Holly has not been very athletic in her life but decided last year to get a trainer, join the gym and start running. She inspired me for a number of reasons...not to mention I really want to lose these extra 35 lbs I've been carrying around for over a year and I have realized that I really need to set goals for myself.

One of the great things about working for my company is that they have a gym onsite and they are very health-oriented. They have numerous resources if you really want to lose weight so I have no more excuses. I joined the gym back in Oct. but didn't really get serious until Nov. I have been going 4-5 times a week other than over the holidays when I cheated a bit. I have lost 11 lbs since I started which seems good I guess but I feel like I should be closer to 20 by now. I know exactly what my problems are but I haven't hit the point where I'm ready to completely give in...and by give in I mean stop drinking and eating so poorly on the weekends. I do great during the week and have mostly cut out my drinking on weekdays but I generally blow it on the weekends after a late night out when I'm craving nothing but grease and carbs the next day. That is a whole other thing I need to work on but one step at a time!

So back to the 5k...I have been running about 4 miles at least 3 times a week but on the elliptical. I know running outside is a whole different story so yesterday I decided I needed to give it a try. Let me just say, it hurt like hell! I am no where close to being in shape and that was blatantly apparent yesterday. I ran/walked for 30 mins and have no clue how many miles it was but I'm pretty sure it was no where near 3.1 miles. I only have 2 weeks before the race and I don't know what I'm going to do?! I'm not giving it up, though. I have committed to this with several co-workers and friends but I just don't want to embarrass myself. Everyone has said the event is really fun and there will be a lot of people who run/walk so maybe it won't be that bad. I guess it's just a hit to the ego because I'm so used to being an athlete but those days seem so far behind me. I know I can not blame anyone but myself. I allowed myself to get out of shape and gain all this weight so I can't really do anything else but keep pushing forward and try to get myself back where I want to be.

I appreciate everyone's support and I can't wait to be back in a "normal" weight range and to be able to do the things I want to do. I'm sure there will be more posts about this struggle (Oprah and I have a lot in common) so just wish me luck!

Slacking!

I know, I know...I've been slacking big time! Well, it's harder than I thought to find time to update this thing. Guess I need to bring you back to New Year's. Ashley and Jennifer drove all night and got here about 5 a.m. on NYE. We had the party at our clubhouse that night and about 50 people showed up to it. We had more food than you could possibly need, a dj booth which Carlos and his brother manned semi-well, and plenty of alcohol. We managed to get someone to bartend too so that worked out well. I certainly had a blast and from what I've heard so did everyone else. We partied until about 4, cleaned some and then headed to Dana's and tried to play Guitar Hero until no one could keep their eyes open any longer.

I'm not sure I'm ready to open up about the ex on here, yet. Let's just say he was there, at first it was awkward, then we talked and I got a NYE kiss. I'm not sure it was exactly the way I was supposed to start off the New Year but I did have a really good night. I don't know what is going to happen with him but I am not putting my life on hold while he figures things out. Hopefully Mr. Right is just around the corner and he will find me sooner than later!

I dragged Jennifer and Ashley to every bar, restaurant, beach, etc. that I could think of while they were here. We hit Key Lime House on Thursday for reggae on the water and a somewhat chill night. Friday was Ashley's birthday so we headed over to Palm Beach. I have to admit that I think this was only the 3rd or 4th time I had crossed the bridge to Palm Beach. I didn't even know if we could actually go to the beach there (but found out you can). We drove around and checked out the mansions and all the people who are obviously not touched by the recession. Then we hit the beach and walked for awhile and acted like tourists. We even managed to almost get let into a house party there but decided they would soon figure out we were not where we belonged! We ended up at the Tiki Bar for a few drinks before heading home to get ready for our night out.

We took Ashley for dinner, drinks and then dancing. I think she had a good time if walking around without her shoes on in the bar is any indication. We ended the night at one of my favorite places, Bradley's. I have not been there since I moved back but it used to be our favorite weekend spot. They knew us by name and it was always packed. Things have certainly changed since I left but the manager still remembered me and still gave us free shots so I can't complain! I think we all woke up Saturday hating life a little and then hated it even more when we realized Ash and Jenn were leaving and I had ever so stupidly planned a dinner party that night for the holidays. Let's just say I didn't make it to the grocery store until 5 and dinner was not ready until 9 but that is that great thing about living in S. Florida...the Spanish people never complain about eating late!

I managed to throw together 2 lasagnas and although only about 8 people said they were going to come, 20 people ended up showing up. I was glad I didn't listen to Carlos and only cook 1! We did Dirty Santa which was fun with the gag gifts and then just played games the rest of the night. As tired as I was, it turned into another late night so Sunday was spent doing absolutely nothing but sitting on the couch with Dana watching tv and recuperating. Monday it was back to work and I don't think there were many people in the building...or probably most places...that wanted to be there. I will fill you in on the rest of the week...Gator game, softball, Rich's birthday and champagne and massages next time. What can I say, I am a busy girl and if I slack, there is just way too much to catch up on...until then, salute (or for Dana's sake salud)!